64 Days Late? Restart

I havent had a period in two months and I am just done. I havent seen my fiance since Feb, and I probably wont see him until Feb 2015.

Im finally starting my new job Monday, after 4 lonnng months. I look forward to hopefully making it a career. I will be working for the City Electric dept. I cant wait for my insurance to kick in so I can finally get some testing done!

Im still really hoping to get married April 18, 2015. I need the minimum of $3000 and it will be a very nice and well decorated ceremony. I look forward to being thrifty but having a beautifully designed wedding venue/decorations. I want our celebrated wedding anniversary to be April 20th 🙂

I am still house hunting, which is difficult for our strict budget. We need a house now, so we cant wait the 2yrs banks want beforr they give you a loan. Our money is only reaching into really bad neighborhoods. I am hopeful. I let one go because I loathed the room and closet space. We will be blessed with a nice fixer upper I just know it.

Well, I am not actively trying for obvious reasons and wont be picking up until next Summer. Hopefully I get pregnant on my honeymoon 🙂 Goodluck to all you beautiful ladies.

image

image

image

Ive been speniding my weekends with this beaitiful little soul and he’s a sweet reminder what is yet to come.

Cycle 17, CD 44

Yes, 14 days late. Im just not even going to worry about drinking any tea or trying to make my period come this month. I am so frustrated. I absolutely loathe helping my niece do her homework every single day. Its like pulling teeth with her for 2hrs every single night and I just scream and shout. She is just like my sister when it comes to learning and I hate it. I dont care if it makes me a horrible person but I hate doing homework with my 2nd grade niece. First off, I think this stuff is wayy too advanced for her age and because of this she doesnt want to learn at all. I dont have the patience to teach her because simple words I know she should know how to say and spell she refuses to even sound out and Im not going to just tell her. So we go back and forth in a yelling and crying fit and I just want to sit back and be like “Fine continue to be dumb!” Arrgh!

Its not fair to me that my sister chose a bum to have a child with instead of a good guy who could help raise her daughter. Shes so stupid. He took her for a burger and paid and she was happy about that. Seriously? How old are you? She’ll be 35 next month! You’d swear she was 15.  So Im stuck being frustrated with your child who doesnt want to learn and I wanna rip my hair out!!!

Aaah!

Cycle 17, CD 32

*Rolls eyes*. Every cycle is the same thing. I cant even remember the last time I had a natural cycle. Every single month its the same thing. I have to drink Parsely tea in order to bring my period on. A 29 day cycle is normal, but a little long to me. I dont feel crampy or irritable at all, just very sad. Im into the 30s again 😦

I stopped doing the cleanse weeks ago. Honestly I wish I didnt waste the pills because I did nothing with my eating habits. Its so hard with a 7yr old who wants $5 pizza 2-3 times a week, and me being lazy and not cooking dinner. Not only being lazy, but said 7yr old niece will NOT eat what I cook if pizza is on the brain.

I dont want to be unhealthy anymore. I want to feel better and have my body do what it is suppose to do without help. This isnt normal and I hate it.

Sidenote: Perrier water is GROSS! What is the big deal with that stuff? Uggh. Its messing up my water and I already hate to drink water…

I cant believe I am still struggling with my eating habits and failed attempts to change. I have tried all year to start and stick with something. But I am usually the opposite. I get fat in the Summer and get fit in the Fall. The cooler months in the South. I wish I could lose 30lbs again like I did 2yrs ago. It wasnt hard either.

Cycle 17, CD 15

Cleanse? What cleanse?

I have tried 3 times to stick to this cleanse, and have failed.

I cant stop eating crap. I mean, its been crap food from the day after I started the cleanse. I feel awful just awful. I am horrible person who is doing NOTHING to help my body realign my harmones.

Big sigh! I know I need to eat better and I dont. It just seems like everything I turn to eat is horrible for me. Everything on the shelves in the grocery store is bad for me and my PCOS. So what can I do? I just feel so lost. I didnt think it would be this hard to do the cleanse, even after spending $100 on it. Well, 15 days until my next cycle, I should CHALLENGE myself.

I need to cleanse, really cleanse for the next 15 days and I need to workout.

Will I do it?

I will try. All I can do is try. I will try. All I can do is try…

Cycle 17, CD 5, Cleanse Day 1

image

Meet Phase 1 of my Fertility Cleanse: The Liver

I am soo excited to finally be doing this!!! I would also like to report that after only 2 cups of parsely tea I started cramping and saw some red. Unfortunately, my uterus is very weak and I barely filled a pad a day my flow was so light and it lasted only 3 days. I havent worn tampons in almost 3 yrs, and my flow is so light that I cant be bothered with spending $40 on a moon cup, but I guess I could invest $10 in a pack of organic cotton pads. I will look into that next cycle.

Cycle 17! My word. I have taken 6 months so far off from ttc, and will not be ttc again until Nov. I am really hoping to get pregnant in Nov or Dec, I would be soo darn pleased!! That will make the full 3 cycle cleanse, and hopefully my body will be ready to make me a baby so I can stop over obsessing over my hairstylist’s son.

I gotta figure out the tea. Its loose tea, so I am thinking Wal Mart has cheap coffee makers, but these teas are better for steeping. The longer they steep, the better. Im thinking of just boiling a pot of water and then straining the herbs out, this is a loose tea. I had some acne on my chin this cycle and my beard is growing out of control! Which only tells me that my harmones are shifting more and more out of whack. I am really hoping this cleanse gets me on the right track.

I wish I could commit more to eating healthy and clean. An 80/20 diet would even do me really well, and I really want to join the $10/mn gym. I dont want to though, not until I sign a lease on an apartment. There is an eat clean guide for $9 that I have been dying to get. Complete with a shopping list, which is what I really need.

Here’s to getting my body ready for baby making!

Cycle 16, CD 30

Uggh. Here we go again. I was suppose to start a new cycle today and nothing in sight. Just the crazy angry/depressed emotions that come with this “time of the month”. For two weeks every single month Im a manic depressed bag of tears who just wants to give up and crawl in a hole and just die.

Listening to my mom and sister talk about her getting pregnant at 26 really took me to a dark place. A very very dark place.

I started trying when I was 26.
I am 28 now, and Im really afraid of trying past that.
Someone please tell my stupid fiance that this is NOT just in my effing head.

I am afflicted with the worse kind of sickness. No cure, just waiting and waiting, and more effing waiting. Im going crazy so effing crazy. I feel so mental. I hate feeling like this all the time.

I feel lonely
Not whole
Not sane
Not myself

What next? Why me? Why all this turmoil just to start my family? Will I ever have a baby? How much longer do I really have to wait? Is there a pregnancy at the end of all this misery? I feel like I have no control. All I do is just save money. I would hate to think we would have to start our marriage with fertility treatments…

Optimistic. I have to learn to be that.

Its been six months without my fiance. I could really use a hug and a kiss, even an encouraging word. Nothing. All I have is myself and its all I have ever had, and I hate that feeling, too.

Im going to drink Parsely tea until I see red. I will make sure that I will start Cycle 17 so I can start my cleanse. I am so ready to move on to the next chapter.

On a lighter note, I have chosen a date. 12.13.14 The beach will be cold, but I dont care. That gives me enough time to buy everything, put a down payment on an apartment, and have a nice elopement. Even though everything depresses me. I dont even like to make plans anymore because it never works out. My wedding is Boho Nautical and my colors are Lilac and Turquoise. It will be a beach elopement weekend, and I feel okay about it. I feel a little weird with not having any family there, but its MY day and I dont want anyone ruining it. Or judging me. Ok, there is a cup of tea my uterus is begging for.

Cycle 16, CD 25

Ive got 5-6 days until my new cycle starts and I am getting so very anxious. I have had my son’s name picked out since I was 14, and my daughter’s name has been picked out for over a year now. I am so riddled with nervousness and just anxiety on becoming pregnant and meeting my first child. I am just so ready to hold their little body in my arms.

I know my fiance thinks I am crazy because I want all life’s accomplishments to happen by the end of this year.

Marriage and a baby.

Even eloping is proving to be very expensive. I had wanted to do the ceremony and 3 night hotel stay for $1000 but the ceremony beach package that I have my heart set on is $995 alone, and I still have the hotel, my dress, his tux, my hair and makeup, nails and pedicure to do. I am still looking at $1,500 to get married and we still need a place to stay. I know, I know. I am all over the place. Im forcing it to come all together by the end of October. I just want to feel happy and whole in my life.

I have options of course. I could pick a spot on the beach to decorate all nice and fancy but what would I do with the decorations after? Just have them? Or spend money on them and then donate them? I even feel just a little bit guilty for not waiting until my original date of April 18, 2015, but all I can think about is having a baby. I want to do it the right way. I am trying not to just go to the courthouse and then go to a romantic hotel afterwards. I am trying to do a traditonal elopement that feels close to a real wedding as possible. I want our family members to feel like they are there with us from the pictures. So even though the cake cutting and toast with decorations costs $200 I want it. I can cut on certain decorations to save on money, but this is my wedding day. I only get this one special day. I already changed from Key West because the hotel alone was a whopping $500!!! That’s a month’s rent for only 3 days. No way. Im trying not to stress, but the weeks are dewindling down. Only 15 weeks to go and I wanted to try for a baby in October. I start my fertility cleanse in a week, and I cant wait.

Cycle 16, CD 13

image

It came!!! My Fertility Cleanse is here! I am super excited to see how my body reacts to the cleanse. Im really excited about the ovarian and uterean cleanse most especially, though I know the liver cleanse is just as important to get my harmone levels under control.

I do not care where my levels are now.
I do not care why I am not ovulating.

I only care about the end result, and getting my harmones where they need to be in order to start my family.

3 days in a row of exercise, and I have discovered ZUMBA ladies! I have done Zumba two days in a row now, and I know that means nothing until the days add up, but for me, it’s a slow start. I feel good, more energetic for sure. I have been awake since 3am last night, thats because of my job. Im also really trying to change my eating habits. Trying to drink a bottle of water before I eat dinner. I ate an icecream cone today, and I could defintely tell the difference in my workout, and I didnt like the way it made me feel at all.

I dont like that there are no recipe ideas that came in the booklet for the cleanse. For $100 that would have been nice, but its ok. I am going to purchase a 4 wk cleanse plan for only $9. Actually, I might just go purchase that now…

I am uber excited about the weight loss and the cleanse. I thought I would care to know how much my starting weight is, but I do not. I only care about how I feel and how my body is changing on the inside. I did take before pictures I do not care to reveal on here just yet. They are pretty disgusting and I never knew my back looked like that. My weight is not who I am, but sadly it is controlling my life.

NOT
ANYMORE!!!

MARK MY WORDS, this is it. This is my breaking point. 16 looong cycles and I am nowhere near conquering the beast that is my PCOS. It has plagued me with depression and infertility, but no more I say. No more! I will win the war with my PCOS, and I will get a positive pregnancy test this year, and it will be a sticky bean. Oh wow, I put beans and I quickly deleted it. Twins do run in my family, though. Im changing, ladies. Getting these habits under cntrol. I will get a preconception check up before I start ttc this time around, and after the cleanse.

Cycle 16, CD 11

Im trying to challenge myself:

Workout 30min a day.

My uterine cleanse is coming this week! The Fedex tracking says Wednesday. I still have about 19-24 days before I get my next period. This period was the worse yet. It was very light and watery the entire 4 days. So my uterus isnt getting enough circulation at all, so I am very excited and happy to finally be able to cleanse my uterus.

My cycles are getting longer and longer and that really makes me nervous. Its time to take accountability for what I am doing to my body. I am fat, I am overweight and my health will only get better if I do something about it.

We are going to start TTC in October. I cant believe 6 months have gone by soo fast. I had all this time to drop some pounds and better my eating habits, and I didnt.

I am starting now, only going forward from here.

I feel good after my first session. I am going to start doing 30min when I come home in the morning from work. I think the cleanse comes with a book and I will hopefully be following it to the T for recipes. I can do this, this is under my control. I will get a positive pregnancy test this year. I am soo excited to start a new chapter in my life!

Marriage
Baby
APT

I feel really optimistic about the end of this year. I still get really sad from time to time, but I just take my St Johns Wort and I am fine. I changed ny date again, but I am done. I dont want a wedding, I just want to elope. I got his Grandmother’s blessing to do it, and she said we should have a vow renewal thats big like a wedding. Plus we really need a good, relaxing vacation, and the elopement is jusssst what we need!

Cycle 16, CD 2

Im at my 20 yr old cousin baby shower. I haaate these things. Im already a loner and the last place to sit down is in the corner away from the party. There are two babies here. Im not really feeling any type of jealousy or being uncomfortable. She is dressed kinda racy, but she is only 20. I honestly just cant wait until this is over. Oh wow I just won a game with 6 other people. Hah